Letters
by Goddess Isa
Summary: With a rating ranging from G to PG-13, this series displays the letters Buffy and Angel exchange now that they're in different cities. The first is before the 4th/1st seasons started
1. Default Chapter

Letters 1/??????  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: Letters exchanged between Buffy and Angel during their time apart  
SPOILER: Each part will spoil a different episode of Buffy &/or Angel from Season 4/Season 1 on. This one, however, spoils Graduation Day Part One.  
DISCLAIMER: Joss and David own the characters. I've dealt with it - you have to too.  
  
  
Dear Angel,  
  
  
If I had enough words to tell you everything I'm feeling right now, I wouldn't need to write you. I'd be able to call you, if you're still in the mansion, and we'd be able to talk through this stuff.  
  
Unfortunately, I don't have the words to express how I feel.  
  
I feel abandoned, Angel. Like you left me for this big, bad world that you think is so great and you used the guise of my future to make me feel better. Guess what? It didn't work.  
  
I feel like you left to get even with me. I don't know exactly what it is you're getting even with me for, but you have lots to choose from. It could be anything.  
  
It's probably nothing.  
  
It's probably just that like everyone else, you wanted tomove on.  
  
Without me.  
  
I'll accept it, sooner or later.  
  
Give me time.  
  
Love,  
  
Buffy  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Dear Buffy,  
  
I haven't left Sunnydale yet.  
  
I can't bring myself to do it.  
  
It's like this terrible curse is keeping me from leaving, yet it won't let me stay, either.  
  
It's hard to explain.  
  
I know you have to be hurting right now Buffy, but it'll get better, I promise it will.  
  
I have to believe that so that I don't go crazy.  
  
I have to believe that you'll find someone you love and marry him and forget all about me.  
  
I have to believe that, even if my heart doesn't want me to. It's the only way to stay sane.  
  
And even that isn't much help when you know the one thing you want can never be yours.  
  
I love you forever.  
  
Angel


	2. Separation

TITLE: Separation  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: This is the first installment in my 'Letters' series. Each fic will consist of a letter from Buffy to Angel and from Angel to Buffy. Sometimes, probably more often than not, they won't make sense. Just thought I'd warn you.  
SPOILER: City Of....and The Freshman  
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P  
RATING: TV-PG'   
DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to Joss & David (Greenwalt not Boreanaz). I love them both, but NOT the way I love Nicky g. The song is by Jennifer Love Hewitt. Don't ask. I'm embarressed to even admit to owning her CD.  
  
  
//If we ever come close  
  
If we ever discover  
  
I will hold on and  
  
Keep our faith in each other  
  
The difference between us  
  
Will keep us together\\   
  
  
Dear Angel,   
  
I know we all said we wouldn't write to each other, but Cordelia is weak. She wrote Xander and told him you're in LA. I don't know where, I don't even have an address to mail this letter to, but if I don't write this letter....   
  
When you left, I swore I would move on.   
  
And I got a good head start on the moving on thing, really, I did. I spent my summer Slaying at and at the Bronze. I met lots of guys. Didn't go out with a one of them though. I just couldn't. I'm not ready.   
  
I never will be.   
  
And today, I went by my house to see my mom and I realized something.   
  
I can move away to go to school, and I can make new friends, but I can't move on.   
  
I can't stop being the Slayer, or stop protecting my friends, or stop bickering with Xander.   
  
And I can't stop loving you.   
  
When I was at my mom's house today, the phone rang. I answered it but no one was there. My first thought was that you were the one calling me. I know that's not possible though, because you never were much for the phone. And you were the one who cut us off. No contact, remember? I deserve better, you said.   
  
You wanna know something? I don't *want* better.   
  
I know you're not ready to come home to me yet. And maybe I'll wind up having to come to you, wherever you are in the big, bright City of Angels.   
  
I know though that someday, it'll happen.    
  
For now, all I can do is wait.   
  
Wait for you to come home to me, wait for my soul to stop aching, wait for my heart to stop beating. I'll take any of the three at this point.   
  
I have to go. Kathy, my Hell-On-Wheels roommate, is back from her class and I want to bolt.   
  
I love you forever.  
  
Buffy   
  
  
*****   
  
  
Dear Buffy,   
  
I don't know why I'm writing you this letter. No, scratch that. I know exactly why I'm writing it. I'm writing it because I need to feel close to you right now, and this is the best way I know how.   
  
The thing is, I know in my heart, undead or not, that I'll never send it to you. I'll put it away with the others I've been writing all summer long and pretend it doesn't exist. But I'll know it's there, for the days when I need it.   
  
I tried to call you yesterday. I feel like such a moron, I let the phone ring and I let you pick up, but I chickened out of saying anything. Hung up before you could hear me...well...not breathing.   
  
Maybe I should talk to you, let you know how I'm doing. How I'm feeling without you.   
  
I should've said, "Buffy, it's me. I miss you, I need you, I love you. We'll find a way, and I'm coming home."   
  
I guess I'm just not strong enough to make that move yet.   
  
I want you to at least try Buffy. Try to find someone else, to find happiness with a man who's not me. Someone who loves you a lot, and will take care of you. The thing that keeps at me is...no matter how much he loves you, he'll never love you the way that I do.   
  
I need to go. Cordelia just came to work and she's about to wallpaper my bathroom. 


	3. Adjusting

TITLE: Adjusting  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: This is the second in my 'Letters' series. The first was called 'Separation'. It's at my page if you haven't read it.  
SPOILER: Lonely Hearts & Living Conditions  
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) Of course, all my work is at my page - http://planetslaythis.homestead.com& also my ANGEL page - http://planetangelus.homestead.com  
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P  
RATING: TV-PG'   
DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to Joss & David (Greenwalt not Boreanaz). I love them both, but NOT the way I love Nicky g. Mariah Carey owns the fab song from her first CD, Mariah Carey. Buy it if you don't already own it g  
  
  
//Swept me away but now I'm  
  
Lost in the dark  
  
Set me on fire but now  
  
I'm left with the spark  
  
  
Alone  
  
  
You got behind the haze and  
  
I'm lost inside the maze  
  
I guess I'm all alone in love   
  
  
I look into your eyes  
  
You turn the other way  
  
And now I realize  
  
It's all a game you play   
  
I've figured out your story  
  
To quickly drift apart  
  
You held me for awhile  
  
Planned it from the start   
  
All alone in love\\   
  
  
Dear Buffy,   
  
Here I am, right on schedule. I don't waste any time, do I?   
  
God, I don't even know where to start. I have to say though, tonight is the first time in like four days that I've had time to just sit in the dark and think of you. We had this demon, it skipped from body to body and eviscerated as it did so. Giles would've been quite interested in it, I think. More bizarre than what we usually see in Sunnydale.   
  
Doyle and Cordelia were supposed to go home, but I think they went out together instead. Though I could be wrong. Cordelia's got a mind of her own, as you well know, and she's pretty oblivious to the fact that Doyle has the major hots for her. She also has a huge problem with demons, and Doyle's only half human, which I'm sure will not thrill her. If she finds out.   
  
Did I even tell you about Doyle? I know I must have, but just in case, a recap. He says The Powers That Be sent him down to help me help others. He's a clairvoyant, he gets visions. I think that freaks Cordelia out a bit, but she'll get used to it. That's what life is all about, right? Adjustments?   
  
I think about you, wonder if you're all right. I want to ask Cordelia to ask Xander how you are, but I know she'll try to set us up for a meeting then and I think something like that would just cause us more hurt than good. I can't take anymore hurt right now, I've got enough on my own.   
  
I'm worried about my future. I don't know how long I can go on helping people, especially since LA is such a high-profile crime scene. There's only like one city with more murder than LA, it's Detroit, if I'm not mistaken. Never pictured Michigan that way, but then again, I haven't been there in what, thirty years?   
  
I almost got arrested the other night. This detective, Kate, she was on the trail of the demon I told you about. She thought I was the killer, but she came around when she saw me save her ass from him more than once. She's too weak-willed for the job though, she'll never know the truth and I guess that puts me - and Cordelia and Doyle - in danger. No different than the past, right?   
  
I can't believe I still sit here every night - well, I missed two there on that demon's trail but other than that - every night and write you letters I'll never let you read. Even if we did find our way back together, and for your sake I hope we don't, but even if we did, I wouldn't want you to read them. They'd just depress you.   
  
What I wouldn't give to get the aspect of that scaly demon so I could read your mind from Los Angeles....   
  
Angel   
  
  
*****   
  
  
Dear Angel,   
  
Here I go again. So much to tell you, so little time to do it in.   
  
Kathy *was* from Hell. Literally. She was some ugly kind of demon, and her own people summoned her back. It was sort of a strange occurrence, I'll tell you about it more in-depth later. I warn you though, you're gonna wanna kick Xander and Oz and Giles' asses the next time you see them and they'll definitely deserve it.  
  
Will's gonna be my roommate now, and that's cool. We have some of the same classes, we like the same music, oh, yeah, and I forgot....she knows I'm the Slayer!!   
  
It's one thing making excuses with someone you run into down the hall from your first class, but living with Kathy made patrolling nearly impossible. Not that I found so many vampires those last few nights, but you know, that coulda been her fault.   
  
Last night was sorta a trip though. When Oz and I (don't ask) were patrolling the other night, I broke a bench. I know, it sounds irrational and very.....Faith-like, but I was just so fed up with Kathy you can't even imagine. So I broke a bench. The funny thing is, Will and I went on patrol last night and I used the pieces of broken wood from the bench to stake two of the three vampires we dusted. Willow said it was Slayer Recycling. I say it was irony.   
  
I guess I'm still getting used to doing things on my own. Well, not on my own, but, without you. When you told me you were leaving....I spent hours on my roof just thinking. I hope the vampires didn't kill too many people that night, because I didn't go on patrol for the first time in I can't remember when. I just sat there, hugging my knees, pretending it wasn't real. And now....I don't know. My old life was so simple. Or at least it seems simple to me now. It wasn't of course, but I guess a part of me wishes it had been. Or that the present could be like the past. Happy, enjoyable. Life is never simple, but at least then, I had you. Creature-Of-The-Night, I know, but it didn't bother me. There was more feeling in one of your fingers than in all the boys at UC Sunnydale put together. They'll never be you, and that's why I'm swearing them off. Will says I'm still adjusting to life without you, and that much I know, but she seems to think I'll wake up one day and want the guy across the hall with the purple boots or something. (And no, I won't, the boots squeak.) This isn't an episode of Felicity where my heart can change overnight. I'm not gonna bounce back and forth between you and Xander (God, that's a scary thought. Enough to give us both nightmares!) until you both dump me and I have to sleep with Simon Rex (though actually....KIDDING!!!). I won't *ever* want anyone but you. If everyone, you included, could just accept that, my life would be easy.   
  
Will knows about the letters. She even thinks they're a good thing. I think they're my lifeline. The one connection I still have to you.   
  
And before I forget....I dreamt of you last night. We were patrolling and you just grabbed me and kissed me. It was so sweet, so.....so you. I miss patrolling with you, the way our hands would brush as we walked, the way we worked in sync with each other to kill all the undead who would dare go after us.   
  
I'm rambling now, and the tears are pouring down my cheeks. Great, I'll have raccoon eyes for my next class. Cordelia would know what to do to avoid smearing the rest of my makeup. Ask her for me, would ya?   
  
Missing you terribly, even in my dreams,  
  
Buffy


	4. Forgiving

TITLE: Forgiving  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: This is the third in my 'Letters' series, one I am very proud of. In this one, well, read it and see. =)  
SPOILER: The Harsh Light Of Day and In The Dark  
DISTRIBUTION: Crystal, if she wants it - anyone else - Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) Of course, all my work is at my page - http://planetslaythis.homestead.com & also my ANGEL page, http://planetangelus.homestead.com   
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P  
RATING: TV-PG  
DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to Joss & David (Greenwalt not Boreanaz). The stupid, poophead Backstreet Boys own the song. Gotta admit, it is beautiful.  
  
  
//I turn back time  
  
To make you mine  
  
And find the way   
  
Back to your heart  
  
I beg and plead  
  
Fall to my knees  
  
To find the way back  
  
To your heart\\   
  
  
Dear Angel,   
  
As I write this, Oz is on his way to visit you and give you the Gem of Amara. I can't believe it wasn't my first thought when I realized that the damn thing even existed, but it belongs in your hands.   
  
You're a good person, Angel. You've got a loving heart and a kind way about you, no matter what you think or what you want people to think.   
  
There are nights, lots of them, especially now, when I lay in bed and wish, pray, do anything I think might help if I could spend just one more night in your arms. I know it's over between us - we've been through that a million times even if the words have never actually been said - and that kills me in a way you can't describe.   
  
I found out this week that no matter how much the outside world hurts me, what hurts more is not being able to come to you for comfort. You were always my salvation, Angel. My pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. (I cannot believe I just used such a corny line. At least it was Irish. g)   
  
When you go through the things I've just gone through - I haven't decided yet if I want to tell you the specifics - but when you go through that, you start to feel unloved. I've been feeling very neglected by everyone since you left me, and lately, it has only gotten worse.   
  
My mom has my bedroom full of packing crates from the gallery, Giles has a hobby (automobile magazines) and a stopwatch (he jogs every morning!) and a life (a British woman named Olivia). Xander has Anya (remember the eleven hundred year old demon that showed us how scary it is when Will wears leather? Well she's screwing the Xand Man now, probably even as we speak. Ugh, now I'm nauseous. Bet you are too, huh?), Willow has Oz, I have no one.   
  
I thought there was a chance for me, and believe me, I tried to get out there. I've tried to figure out the hows and wheres and whys of regular dating, and I've realized something.   
  
Men are pigs.   
  
No offense to your gender, but really. They're disgusting shards of glass that prick women, make them bleed and leave them for the next one.   
  
That was a bit blunt and gross, but as I said, it's been a rough past couple of days. My personal stuff was bad enough without vamps being on the rise and Spike coming to town looking for that damn Gem. Took it right off his finger though. He's such a wuss.   
  
The minute I held it in my grasp, I knew I was giving it to you. Whether I sent it through the mail, or took it myself, it was yours. I hope you get it soon, that you wear it and think of me constantly.   
  
I know you may think the ring isn't right for you, but believe me Angel, it is. No one on this Earth deserves it more than you. You already help so many people, and here's your chance to help even more (and avoid the sewers. 'Cause, eeew. Are LA sewers more gross than Sunnydale sewers? My GOD did I just ask that? I need my head examined.). I know you don't feel needed or worthy, but believe me Angel, you should.   
  
I also want you to know that Giles was supportive of my giving you the ring. He thought it was a great idea and that you did deserve to hold the power. He told me to tell you the Gem represents a great eternal inner strength, something he knows you have. He also said to tell you hi. Of course, back then he thought I was giving the ring to you myself.   
  
It wasn't that I didn't want to go visit you in LA, because I did. But Oz offered and it was easy, so I let him take it for me. Maybe I should've brought it myself, but it's done now and I can't change it.   
  
I should've gone anyway, I think, just to see you in the daylight. To hold you and tell you I'm struggling and that I need you. I would probably run away after telling you that, but at least then the words would be out of my system.   
  
I should go now, because I'm crying and the paper is getting all wet and it's really, really gross. I'll see you later. I love you.   
  
Buffy   
  
  
*****   
  
  
//It's not that I can't live without you  
  
It's just that I don't even wanna try  
  
Every night I dream about you  
  
Ever since the day we said goodbye   
  
If I wasn't such a fool  
  
Right now I'd be holding you  
  
There's nothing that I wouldn't do  
  
Baby, if I only knew   
  
The words to say  
  
The road to take  
  
To find the way back to your heart\\   
  
  
Dear Buffy,   
  
I'm wearing the ring now, and it's around two a.m., so it doesn't do me much good. I know you're going to hate me when I tell you what I'm going to tell you, but I also think you knew this was what I was going to do with the Gem and that that is the real reason you didn't bring it yourself.   
  
I'm gonna destroy it.   
  
It belongs with someone who really needs it, and I don't. Doyle thinks it's my redemption, but I know better. What I'm looking for won't come for a very long time, if it ever does, which I doubt. I'm thinking there has to be some better way to explain this to you, but every time I try to write the words, they come out like this. Cold, emotionless, and that's now how I wanted to see.   
  
I love you Buffy. And I love you for giving me the ring. I love Oz for bringing it to me and I love Giles for allowing it. You are the best family I could ever have and I miss you so much it hurts sometimes (that last part was really just about you, though I like the guys fine.) more than I think I can bear.   
  
I've been outside many mornings, waiting for the sun. I always run inside like the chicken that I am, but I also know that one of these days, it'll come.   
  
I'll stand there and feel the sun burn through my skin and know this is the right thing for everyone I've ever known and the only woman I've ever loved.   
  
And when I destroy the ring later tonight, after the sun has set again, I'll feel, maybe only slightly, but still there, that I did the right thing and that the Powers That Be are pleased with me.   
  
Love always and forever,  
  
Angel


	5. Accepting

TITLE: Accepting  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com   
SUMMARY: Number four in my Letters series. Don't know what to make of this one, to be honest wit ya  
SPOILER: Fear, Itself and I Fall To Pieces  
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) Of course, all my work is at my page - http://planetslaythis.homestead.com  
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P  
RATING: TV-PG  
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon and David Greenwalt get all the real credit here. I just like to bend these characters to my will, mostly 'cause they're so damned flexible. Celine owns the song. Don't act surprised g   
  
  
//If I were you  
  
My prized possessions  
  
Would be the ones   
  
I'd hold so close  
  
You lose what means the most\\   
  
  
Dear Angel,   
  
Happy Halloween!! I don't remember how big you were or weren't on Halloween, especially since Giles said the undead shy away from Halloween. I know you're not the usual vampire, but you also like to keep to yourself, so I'm just curious what you plan on doing for the holiday.   
  
I've always loved Halloween. I guess it's the whole idea of costumes, dressing up, being someone else for the night. I was short on time this year, so I went as Little Red Riding Hood, wearing the same costume I'd worn in seventh grade. The dress was kind of tight, not surprisingly, but I think it added to the 'little girl' look I was going for.  
  
Maybe I just looked stupid, I don't know.   
  
Did you do anything fun for the Holiday? We went to a party at a Frat house and I got stabbed. You know, the usual.   
  
We - well - I - just got back from Giles' house. We all sorta crashed there last night due to candy burnout. Giles had pounds and I was a pig. We all ate a lot, but I kept sneaking my wrappers into Xander's pile. I think he noticed, but he never said a word.   
  
I wasn't just snacking though. I was drowning my sorrows.  
  
Ever since you left, my game's been off. Will and Giles have noticed, but they try to hide their disappointment. I'm not sure either of them really know what my problem is.   
  
I'm not sure I know.   
  
I know why I'm upset, I just don't know why I can't make myself get past it. I mean, I know you're not....wherever you are in LA, moping over me. You're helping people. And pissing the Hell out of Spike, which always makes me happy.   
  
I hope you had a nice holiday. I know that you probably didn't, you were probably stopping some sort of night demon that doesn't care when Halloween comes, but I want to tell myself you had fun anyway. I know that deep down, you're the type to dress up and hand out candy. You'd give each kind a handful and some, a whole bag. When you ran out, you'd give pennies, quarters, whatever you had. You're a good person Angel, the kind who gives of himself and always puts others first.   
  
I know that's why we're apart, you're trying to put me first. And while I know right now, you think us being apart is what's really best, I know that in the future, you're going to see.   
  
You'll see that we belong together, that we're meant to be, and you'll come home to me.   
  
And I'm counting the moments until that happens.   
  
I'm counting them and pushing myself. I know in my heart if I can just make myself accept the fact that we'll meet again one day, I can muddle through for now. I hope I can get my heart straight soon, I've got a nasty bruise from a lame-ass vamp the other night. Told you my game was off.   
  
I love you.  
  
Buffy.   
  
  
*****   
  
  
//Simple pleasures  
  
The hardest to be found  
  
Can't be measured  
  
'Till they're not around\\   
  
  
Dear Buffy,   
  
Did you have a good Halloween? I remember how much you like the holiday. I know I was still sort of out of it last year, but I remember your costume. You came to see me on your way to Xander's party, all decked out as a vampire. I remember you touched my hair and blew me a kiss. You told me you were scared and that you didn't know how to help me. I carry those words with me till this day, Buffy.   
  
You've always shown me that you cared for me more than I deserved. You've always cared for everyone more than they deserved (and by that, I'm talking about Xander).   
  
I thought of you today, even during all the crime fighting, as Cordelia sometimes calls it. We dealt with this unusual demon, she might've mentioned him to you. He wasn't really a demon, just a screwed up human who could detach his parts to spy on and torture this woman. Not a big thrill. It was the kind of thing you'd expect from Stephen King. Oh, better not mention that to Doyle, he'll phone the poor man during his physical therapy.   
  
When I first moved here, Willow sent me a bunch of pictures. I'm not sure how she managed this, but she had one of you on Halloween. Your wig was a mess, your dress torn, and you looked beautiful. It reminded me of that night, and how you said you dressed that way for me. I don't know if I ever really made something clear to you, Buffy.   
You don't ever have to do anything to impress me, or make me love you, or want you. Just the way you are, just the things you do, make me love you, want you. I desire everything about you, and I don't want you to change for anyone ever, but especially not for me.   
  
It would do me a lot of good to actually send you this letter, but God knows I never will. Much as I want to, I'm not yet up to the challenge.   
  
I'm finally starting to accept us being apart. I know I'm the one that did it, but until today, I've thought about taking a sun bath just about every night since I left Sunnydale. Granted, I took a brief one in there, but I was protected. Nothing should ever hold the power the Gem of Amara held. It's inhumane.   
  
I'm going to keep these letters forever. And someday, when Willow writes to tell me you've gotten married, or had a baby, I'll turn to these letters and remember why I gave you up so long ago. I'll remember the hurt and be glad that you finally got your happiness. I'll know I was right, and I'll finally be glad that I did what I did. That has to happen Buffy, because right now, it's too much to think about.   
  
Love always,  
  
Angel


	6. Learning

TITLE: Learning  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: The hardest lessons of life are learned in the oddest situations, don't you think??? SPOILER: Beer Bad & Rm W/ A Vu   
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) Of course, all my work is at my page - http://planetslaythis.homestead.com  
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P  
RATING: TV-PG  
DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to Joss & David (Greenwalt not Boreanaz). They both suck. Sheryl Crow owns the song, the anthem of my life   
  
  
//All I wanna do  
  
Is have some fun  
  
I got a feeling  
  
I'm not the only one  
  
All I wanna do  
  
Is have some fun  
  
Until the sun comes up  
  
Over Santa Monica Boulevard\\   
  
  
Dear Angel,   
  
Well, I learned tonight why Spike likes to get so drunk.   
  
I had sort of a....mishap with the beer at the campus bar (sick that such a thing exists, huh?). I got into this fit of drinking all this beer, and it was poisoned or something....brought out the primal tendencies in me. Well, us. There were some guys - not guy-guys, just guys, guys I got drunk with. They went crazy and set this bar on fire and I wound up saving Willow and this asshole Parker (don't worry, I clubbed him over the head with a big stick after the fact). I also ruined the walls of my dorm room, got frizzy hair and put a crack in the screen of my TV. In the words of Xander (never thought I'd be quoting him), the beer is bad.   
  
I realized something though. Even when I was....well, Cave Slayer (another Xanderism), I still cared about the things that really matter. I slept with Mr. Gordo and I worried about my friends and I even clubbed Parker!! (Sorry, defining moment for me. Parker's sort of popular, and lots of people witnessed me kick his pathetic ass. Yes, I thought I was Pebbles Flintstone while I did it, but still.)   
  
When I saw my mom last week, she said that the older I get, the more clear things will become. She said I'll start to see people for who and what they really are and learn where I belong.   
  
All I've learned so far is that I belong in Sunnydale with my friends, but I'm sure more important revelations are to come.   
  
Love, Buffy   
  
  
*****   
  
  
//I like a good beer buzz early in the morning  
  
And Billy likes to peel the labels  
  
From his bottles of Bud  
  
He shreds them on the bar  
  
And then lights every match in an oversized pack  
  
Letting each one burn\\   
  
  
Dear Buffy,   
  
Did you ever just want to smack your best friend? Probably not, since your best friend is Willow.   
  
Mine is Doyle. I think.   
  
And I love the guy, I really do, but he just bought a Sheryl Crow CD used for like a buck and he's been playing that damned song about beer buzzing *all* day. As in, since last night into tonight. Very annoying. And unsettling.   
  
I know he's upset. Cordy's finally in her new apartment, and now that she's settled with Dennis (her ghost - it's a really long story but I'll tell you if we ever talk again - God, I hope we do. I could spend years just telling you about work alone, but you and I both know that's not all we want to discuss), he feels like she doesn't need him anymore.   
  
And I know she needs him, because we all need friends whether we want to admit it or not, but I feel bad for him because he needs her in a very different way.   
  
He's in love with her.   
  
Cordy's not the type I'd expect to fall for Doyle, but then again, I wouldn't have pictured her for having a brain, either, which she does. She's very helpful around here, but I'll *kill* you (no, I'll turn you!) if you ever tell her I said that.   
  
In helping Cordelia conquer her ghost, I've learned that she's really a good person. She's smart and fun and even has a heart, though she'll never let you see it unless you pay her (I can testify to that one in court.). I think it's been a pleasant surprise having her here. Of course, I haven't gotten this month's VISA bill yet.   
  
I should go. Doyle's going to shut that song off now, he promised, if I go have a drink with him. It'll do me some good to forget about everything for a little while. He keeps telling me that every minute I spend *not* thinking about you is a step in the right direction, but it just feels the complete opposite.   
  
Still completely in love with you 'till the day I'm dust, Angel


	7. Tears

TITLE: Tears  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: This is the sixth story in my 'Letters' series. You don't need to read them all for them to make sense. They're a crossover between both Buffy & ANGEL. The first two can be found at my webpage (see below) and the other three in between aren't done yet. I don't have a reason why, they just aren't.  
SPOILER: Wild At Heart and Sense & Sensitivity  
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) Of course, all my work is at my page - http://planetslaythis.homestead.com  
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P  
RATING: TV-PG  
DISCLAIMER: The characters are owned by Joss, but God knows he does not deserve them. The song is by Blessid Union of Souls, and it too is in another fic I'm working on. I just take forever.   
  
  
//I knew that this moment would come in time  
  
That I'd have to let go and  
  
Watch you fly  
  
I know you're comin' back so why am I  
  
Dying inside?   
  
Are you searching for words that you can't find?  
  
Trying to hide your emotions  
  
Eyes don't lie  
  
Guess there's no easy way to say goodbye   
  
I'll be standing at the edge of the Earth  
  
Hoping that one day you'll come back again  
  
I'll be standing at the edge of the Earth  
  
Hoping that one day\\   
  
  
Dear Angel,   
  
Tears are a mystery to me. They really are.   
  
Willow and Oz sort of broke up today. Maybe it was yesterday. It's hard to know. The past three days, well, no, the past couple of weeks have been strange. This girl, Veruca, she turned out to be a She-Wolf, and she showed up in Sunnydale with a band and an eye on Oz. He succumbed to her, and it very well could've been the werewolf thing that did it, but I don't know. All I really know is that he slept with her, at least twice, and he wound up killing her to save Willow.   
  
She's a mess now. Oz left this morning for uncharted territory and none of us really know what's going to happen. Willow came home and I don't know if I've ever seen her that way before. She was....different. I'm not sure I know how to make it clear unless you were really there.   
  
When I first found her, after she'd seen Oz and Veruca together, she was roaming around the city. Riley - he's one of our TAs in psychology - he wound up saving Willow's life, a car almost crashed into her. I'd never seen her so upset, not even when she and Oz broke up the last time. Maybe it means more now because they've slept together, but I guess I can't really say. God knows I haven't had experience with sex bringing a couple closer together.   
  
I'm just so worried about her Angel. All day, she's been balled up on the bed muttering to herself, but she doesn't cry. She just sits there, looking at nothing, muttering unintelligible things from time to time. I figured she needed to be alone so I came here - Giles' - to write you this letter. He's not here, obviously. He's out jogging, and please don't ask. The concept was scary enough when I found out about it, telling the story could cause permanent damage. I found out via Xander the other day that he watches Jeopardy and answers the questions correctly. I'm not sure if that scares me or not.   
  
I guess I'm writing to you for answers about Will, answers I know you'll never give. I need to know what to do for her, how to show her that if she needs me, for anything, that I'll be there for her.   
  
I keep trying to remember what it was like for me when you left. I remind myself then that I spent the summer kicking so much demon ass, I didn't get much time to wallow. Then I remembered that I cried for fourteen straight hours when you left back in May. See what I mean about tears??   
  
I'd better head back for the dorms, see if Willow needs anything. I think I'll take ice cream and popcorn (her fave) with me. She really needs to embrace the best part - the only good part - of a breakup. Unconditional pigging out.   
  
I'm thinking of you every minute and wondering why you're wherever in LA it is that you are instead of here, with me.   
  
Love,  
  
Buffy   
  
  
*****   
  
  
//Don't misunderstand what  
  
I'm tryin' to say  
  
I don't want to let you leave this way  
  
Girl, I want you to know that I'll stand  
  
Right by your side   
  
I know   
  
This may be  
  
The very last time that we see each other cry  
  
Whatever happens know that I   
  
  
I'll be standing at the edge of the Earth  
  
Hoping that one day you'll come back again  
  
I'll be standing at the edge of the Earth  
  
Hoping that one day   
  
Hoping for someday  
  
Praying for someday  
  
Wishing that someday  
  
I will see you\\   
  
  
Dear Buffy,   
  
Of all the people in Sunnydale, I expected to hear from Giles the least. Actually, when I left, I figured I'd never see any of you again, but God knows I *never* thought Cordelia would waltz into my life. Strange how things work out.   
  
Back to where I started, Giles wrote me a letter and Willow emailed it to me. Not too informative on anything going on in Sunnydale besides the occult, but it did say something we both already knew.   
  
He said that you and I are two lost souls, never to meet again even though that's where they most want to be.   
  
The date says Giles wrote the letter almost two weeks ago. It must've been right after you sent me the Gem of Amara. You know Buffy, I have a hard time accepting a lot of things these days, but I'm still not sure I get why you really wanted me to have that ring.   
  
I spent a day in another life, literally, the other night. This guy was tricking people with a talking stick into being overly sensitive and emotionally drawn out. It was freaky the way people cried and went on and on. Scary even. I didn't like being a part of it. What's worse is Cordelia and Doyle tell me I hugged them. Can't say I'm proud of that one. At least there was no groping. That she's told me about.   
  
Okay, wanting to change the subject *right* now.   
  
Giles sees something you're too young and I'm too stupid to admit is true.   
  
The relationship we had was never meant to be, and it can never happen again. We possibly even threw off history, you know.   
  
I guess you would probably like that idea. I kind of do.   
  
The sensitivity stuff really got me thinking though. The way I left you....it was wrong. Cordelia has stolen them from me for blackmail (I guess she's waiting for the right pair of shoes to show up in the Fred Segal window and then she'll hit me hard), but I wrote you all these letters and poems when I was....possessed, I guess you'd say. It freaked me out. I wasn't expecting it and I didn't like it one bit. I still don't. The memory of it makes me shiver.   
  
Still, I wish I had one of those poems to put in with this letter. I'll never mail it, but knowing that it's here with you would be a great comfort to me.   
  
I only remember this one line......   
  
If love can be denied in the daytime, it can be enveloped at night.   
  
I don't think that's very good poetry, but I still wanted to share it with you. Something for you to take to your dreams of us together. I love you.   
  
Angel  



	8. Confusion

TITLE: Confusion  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: #7......Life does not make sense on the Hellmouth.....  
SPOILER: The Initiative and The Bachelor Party, both equally suck eppies, especially The Initiative  
DISTRIBUTION: Crystal, if she wants it - anyone else - Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) Of course, all my work is at my page - http://planetslaythis.homestead.com & also my ANGEL page, http://planetangelus.homestead.com   
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P  
RATING: TV-MA - Buffy gets mouthy. I like her better this way. Is anyone else envisioning a Roswell episode now???  
DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to Joss & David (Greenwalt not Boreanaz). The song is by Nine Days (Yes, I did just write this now, who cares if the sucky eps are more than a year old? Don't look a gift fanfic in the mouth. g) Also, lyrics could be wrong 'cause I did it the lazy way and got them off the first fan site I found.  
1/04/01  
  
  
//So you're standing on a ledge  
It looks like you might fall  
So far down  
Or maybe you should think about jumping  
  
Now you could have it all  
If you learned a little patience  
For though I cannot fly  
I'm not content to crawl  
  
So give me a little credit  
Have in me a little faith  
I want to be with you forever  
If tomorrow's not too late  
  
But it's always too late when you've got nothing   
So you say  
But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow  
Before the sun rises today  
  
  
If I am  
Another waste of everything you dreamed of  
I will let you down  
If I am  
Only here to watch as you suffer  
I will let you down\\  
  
  
Dear Angel,  
  
Nearly two months of writing these letters and I feel no more comfortable about them today than I did the first time.  
  
It's Hell you know, handling all this. It's Hell being the one who has to deal, hold everything together.  
  
I'm the one who always has to kill the big bad. I always have to be where everyone needs me, whenever they need me. Screw my social life. Screw my friends. Screw classes even. Even Giles has put Slaying before college these days.  
  
And I'm putting EVERYTHING before Slaying.  
  
Fuck Slaying.  
  
Just fuck the whole lot of it.  
  
Fuck vampires and fuck Sunnydale and fuck the Council that cursed me with this title and ruined everything I've ever loved, taken away everything that ever meant something.  
  
I was thinking tonight, Angel. About us and about where we'd be right now if you'd stayed in Sunnydale.  
  
I like the dorms, I mean they're all right, but they're not your mansion. I can't train there, I certainly can't think there; I have no privacy, no time to myself anywhere.  
  
I can't remember the last time I did my Tai Chi.  
  
I hate it.  
  
I fucking HATE IT.  
  
I've sorta started hanging out with this guy Riley, and today I learned a little about his ridiculous supernatural mumbo jumbo. It's all so lame. This big group, The Initiative, they work in their lab and they think they're so cool studying vampires and demons.  
  
Riley thinks I don't know about his role in it, but I'm not nearly as dumb as I look.  
  
That didn't sound right.  
  
Anyway, I just feel funny knowing I'm not alone in the Slaying now, because in a lot of ways, I'm more alone now than I ever was.  
  
Someday, when we meet again, if we meet again, I hope I'll be able to figure out why you left, so I can figure out what I did with my life freshman year, 'cause right now I'm twiddling my thumbs and throwing darts at one of your tee shirts. It won't be as fun to sleep in with all the holes, but oh well.  
  
Love and misery, Buffy  
  
  
*****  
  
  
//So you're walking on the edge  
And you wait your turn to fall  
But you're so far gone  
That you don't see the hands upheld to catch you  
  
And you could find the fault  
In the heart that you've been handed  
For though you cannot fly  
You're not content to crawl  
  
But it's always too late when you've got nothing So you say  
But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow  
Before the sun rises today  
  
If I am  
Another waste of everything you hoped for   
I will let you down  
If I am  
Only here to as watch you suffer  
I will let you down  
  
So you're standing on a ledge  
It looks like you might fall  
  
If I am  
Another waste of everything you dreamed of  
I will let you down  
If I am  
Only here to as watch you suffer  
I will let you down\\  
  
  
Dear Buffy,  
  
These letters have become a calming for me; a way to unwind and deal with every unkind hand Fate has dead us.  
  
I don't just mean you and me, I mean everyone.  
  
I mean Doyle.  
  
His wife, well, now she's his ex-wife showed up this week and wanted a divorce so she could marry someone else. The someone else turned out to be another demon who wanted to eat Doyle's brains in celebration of his marriage.   
  
As you or Xander would say, not a big fun.  
  
Both Harrie and her creepy demon are history now, but I can't help sensing a sadness in Doyle at losing her forever.  
  
I also know it didn't help to have Cordelia whack him on the head when he was in his demon state.  
  
Those two may never find their way together, but I wish they would. I desperately wish they would.  
  
All this talk about weddings though, and tradition, and weddings, it kept me thinking of you.  
  
Cordelia was rattling on and on about wedding dresses yesterday and she thought I wasn't paying attention to her. (I wasn't, for the record.) She pulled my sketchbook right out of my hands and gasped; she said my drawing was the best picture of you she'd ever seen.  
  
I'm not sure about that, because I'm not very talented, but I just couldn't get the image of you in a wedding gown out of my head. I keep wishing that someday, it could happen. That we could get married and have children and live happily ever after.  
  
If only....  
  
  
//The answers we find  
Are never what we had in mind  
So we make it up as we go along  
I won't mention tomorrow  
And we won't make those promises that we can't keep...   
  
I will never leave you!   
I will never let you down!   
I will never leave you!   
I will never let you down!\\  
  
  
I let myself dream that in another world, on another Earth, in another time, we are married. We have three beautiful children and a house with a cat and a dog. There are toys everywhere, and the house is constantly filled with the wonderful music of children playing and laughing.  
  
I picture what you look like pregnant with our child, and what our children's names would be. I envision you and I painting our room a new color after ten years, while the kids make a fuss about the smell of the paint and try desperately to get permission to paint their own rooms themselves.  
  
There are nights when, lying in bed, I almost let myself confuse the fantasy and the reality. A tiny part of my being thinks this can really happen. And I think that's okay.  
  
At least for now. One day, somewhere, somehow, we'll work it out.  
  
All my love,  
  
Angel


	9. Remembering

TITLE: Remembering  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: This is the eighth story in my Letters series. This one may be a tear jerker, so be forewarned.  
SPOILER: Pangs & I Will Remember You   
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) It'll also be on my page - http://planetslaythis.homestead.com  
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P  
RATING: TV-PG  
DISCLAIMER: Joss and David are evil, evil men. I love 'em, but they're evil!! Bad, bad writers/directors/executive producers! 'I Will Remember You' is by Amy Grant, and it makes me cry just to play the song, let alone imagine it in Buffy and Angel's world.   
  
  
  
//I will be walking one day  
  
Down a street far away  
  
And see a face in a crowd   
  
And smile  
  
Knowing how you made me laugh  
  
Hearing sweet echoes of you from the past  
  
I will remember you\\   
  
  
Dear Angel,   
  
My eyes are absolutely filled with tears as I write this. I know, I just know in my heart, that we shared a kiss while I was in LA, and at the same time, my head knows we barely got close enough to brush hands.   
  
Do you know how I feel about you, Angel? Do you know how it killed me to go see you and be cold as ice? I could barely do it. I think I was crying before I was even out of the building.   
  
I'm pretty lucky I didn't get into a car wreck, actually I drove to the beach and walked around the sand for hours, just thinking of you, of us.   
  
When you left in May, you made a decision that tore me apart. And now I'm making one.   
  
I'm never, ever, going to see you again, Angel.   
  
I just don't think I can handle it. I mean, here I sit in my hotel room, clutching Mr. Gordo in one hand and your leather jacket in the other, and all I can feel is your lips on mine, you arms around me, our bodies melting together as one.   
  
Can you remember how it felt, Angel? Can you still feel what it was like to be in bed together? To make love?   
  
I'm thankful you will never see this letter now, because I couldn't bear to ever show it to you.   
  
I'm going home tomorrow, but it isn't really home, it's the dorm. Willow is there, and she'll hold me while I cry. She'll tell me she's sorry and that she'll kick your ass if she ever sees you again. I know she won't, she would never try, not even if you were a weakling and she was the strongest Wiccan in the world. Even so, it's nice to hear. Sometimes I think you need a good ass-kicking.   
  
And I need to never hold your hand again, and sometimes, I think I need to die already and let another Slayer take over this damn gig so I can go wherever Kendra is and see if it really does get better from here.   
  
And I'll wait there forever Angel, because I will always remember your face, and your kindness, and the way you loved me. In the end, the final end, we'll be together.   
  
Love FOREVER,  
  
Buffy   
  
  
*****   
  
//Later on  
  
When this fire is an ember  
  
Later on  
  
When the night's not so tender  
Given time  
  
Though it's hard to remember, darling  
  
I will be holding  
  
I'll still be holding to you  
  
So please remember  
  
I will remember you\\   
  
  
Dear Buffy,   
  
  
No matter how long I live, how long I'm stuck on Earth in this Hellacious excuse for a life, I'll love you. I'll think of you and desire you and wish more than anything I could be with you.   
  
And I'll always know I can't.   
  
I never send these letters - I don't want to cause you any more heartbreak than I already have. I write one every week though, sometimes more, and I pour my heart and soul into them   
  
We shared something special, Buffy. We shared a night of passion like nothing else anyone on this Earth will ever feel. We made love and it was amazing. Holding you in my arms, kissing you, feeling our hearts race together, it was the greatest gift I could ever receive. And even though you'll never know it happened, I want to tell you about it. Maybe someday, someone will find these letters and know what we meant to each other.   
  
Hey, maybe we'll become one of those romantic movies you love so much. There's no actress that could ever match your beauty, but I'm sure our daughter, if we had been lucky enough to have one, would've been close.   
  
With everything that's happened, I keep thinking about what could've been. I would've married you today Buffy, and I wish to God I could have. I know you don't remember what happened between us, but nothing has ever hurt me so much as having you cry in my arms as our future slipped away from us.   
  
There will always be days when I wish I had said to Hell with the future and tried to keep it up, tried to help you fight when the time came.   
  
I also know that we both would've died, and you likely would've died saving me.   
  
I think knowing that makes me love you even more.   
  
I'll probably never let me see you again Buffy, and that's for the best. But I'll see you all the time. In my dreams, in my mind, when I sneak into Sunnydale and watch you, even when I know I shouldn't.   
  
All the things that you'll do without me, I want to be there. I'll never let you know it, but I'm gonna be there when you graduate from college, and I'll watch you walk down the aisle, and someday, I'll watch you play with your children. Maybe all those things will give me the closure I need to stop hating myself and the Fates.   
  
Probably not, but there's no way of knowing, is there?   
  
I love you, Buffy. Always, forever, and then some.   
  
Angel


	10. Still

TITLE: Still  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: This is the ninth story in my Letters series. It's sorta sappy, but it's true!   
SPOILER: Something Blue and Hero  
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) It'll also be on my page - http://planetangelus.homestead.com  
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P  
RATING: TV-PG  
DISCLAIMER: Joss and David are evil, evil men. I love 'em, but they're evil!! Bad, bad writers/directors/executive producers! The song belongs to 98Degrees. Gotta love those hotties.  
2/27/00   
  
  
//Love  
  
I see forever in your eyes  
  
I can see Heaven in your smile  
  
And when I told you close  
  
I don't want to let go   
  
Because deep in my soul I know   
  
  
You are the only light I see   
  
Your love means everything to me   
  
I promise that we'll never part  
  
'Cause you'll always be in my heart   
  
  
If the sun should refuse to rise  
  
And the moon doesn't hang in the night  
  
The tides won't change  
  
Seasons rearrange  
  
When the world is through  
  
I will still love you\\   
  
  
Dear Angel,   
  
You know that song 'American Pie'? I'm sure that you do. Well, Madonna has covered it for the soundtrack of her new album and her version is *so* good. I can't get it outta my head lately. Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the levee...   
  
I'm not being direct now. I *have* to tell you what Willow did. Keep in mind that it wasn't really on purpose. I mean, it was, but not the way it turned out. I think that's what I mean.   
  
She was really angry at us (mostly at Oz, because he left her) and she cast this spell that, in an odd way, made everything she said come true. Giles went blind, Xander was being hunted by demons (more than usual) and I was engaged to Spike.   
  
Yes, you read that right. I was engaged to Spike.   
  
Engaged.   
To Spike.   
  
You've got it now, right?   
  
You didn't hurl this computer out the third story window or something, did you?   
  
I wouldn't blame you if you did. It scared me too.   
  
After I got out of the spell, I realized something.   
  
I. Love. You.   
  
I've always known that of course, but there are days when things look different and I'm having one, I guess.   
  
This could be the delusion, the lack of sleep or the alcohol talking, but I know. One day, we'll be together.   
  
One of these days, Angel.   
  
And until then, I have this box of letters I've written you under my bed, and a set copied onto floppy diskette, just in case.   
  
It keeps me going, and right now, all I need is to remember how to keep breathing. You know what they say.   
  
Whatever works.   
  
Love,  
Buffy   
  
  
*****   
  
  
//Girl    
  
You're like an angel from above  
  
Sent here to shower me with your love  
  
Hold me beneath your wings  
  
Tell me all of the things  
  
All of the hopes and the dreams we can share  
  
  
'Cause I'll be your shelter from the storm  
  
I'll be the fire that keeps you warm  
  
I'll be your light in the dark  
  
'Cause you'll always be in my heart   
  
  
If the sun should refuse to rise  
  
And the moon doesn't hang in the night  
  
The tides won't change  
  
Seasons rearrange  
  
When the world is through  
  
I will still love you   
  
  
If anything could last forever  
  
It's what I feel for you  
  
Oh baby you touch my heart in ways  
  
That words could never say   
  
That's why I'll always love you   
  
  
If the sun should refuse to rise  
  
And the moon doesn't hang in the night  
  
The tides won't change  
  
Seasons rearrange  
  
When the world is through  
  
I will still love you\\   
  
  
Dear Buffy,   
  
  
I've lost a lot of people in the past, but never before did I lose someone I hadn't killed myself. That is, if I'm talking about loss in the sense of someone dying.   
  
Doyle died last night. He....you know, to say he didn't choose to die would be lying. Someone had to, and he made the sacrifice to save me.   
  
Stronger man than I on all accounts.   
  
I know you didn't really know Doyle that well, but you woulda liked him, Buffy. He was funny and caring and so.....   
  
He was my friend.   
  
My first real friend in two-hundred and twenty-five years. Says a lot for him, I think.   
  
I miss him, Buffy.  
  
I've never had to deal with this before, this loss of someone I care about. At least not with a conscience. It's hard. You should see Cordelia. She mopes around and throws fits and breaks down anytime she feels his absence, which is often. I feel like I should be doing something for her. Hugging her, talking to her, something, but I don't know what.   
  
He did leave a special surprise for her though.   
  
She now gets his visions from the Powers That Be.   
  
I don't think she embraces it as much as he did. She certainly doesn't want to see nude girls the way Doyle did, but she doesn't hate it, either.   
  
Okay, I'm lying. She kissed me to try to get rid of it.   
  
Don't worry, Buffy. Meant nothing. Felt nothing.   
  
Oh, and one interesting gift under my Christmas tree....   
  
Wesley is back.   
  
Apparently, he's a 'rogue demon hunter' now and he's hanging around here. According to Cordy, you've got Spike. I suppose it's a toss up as to who got the raw deal.   
  
I should go - I'm exhausted. I love you Buffy. Still. Always. Angel


End file.
